Y am I like that?...

Haix... I feel so down. Y, can anyone tell me why?? Y am I like that? I don feel like going to school & I love going school late although I know it's wrong not going school & I tried going school early but I caN't bring myself to. It's seems like I lost motivation in studies, I tried giving best to be a good student & I always wanted to be but whenever I want to be, I'm back my old-self. Frankly speaking, I'm dissappointed with myself, urtterly dissapointed in myself.  And it seems there's so much I need to overcome to a new-self. :

Next thing, I feel so boring, it seems whatever I do seems dull, bored. Dunno why, proberly I need someone to share with me or accompany me but I know if too rely on someone also not a good thing. Haix.. Maybe I need to be more Positive but for now I can't. My friends are right I know what to do & can do but I choose not to, is not I giving up but just have this kind of feeling that I can't be bothered to anything & seems like ppl advise I also can't heed it. I knew d result / consequences but it's llike I delibrately wanna hit against it. If I can't feel d pain, I'm not satisfied. Well, sound psycho but this wat my evil side telling me. Haha!! B-)

Can anyone tell me off?!! I just need a harsh scolding, proberly can wake me up to my senses. Seriously, I'm not always good but when I'm good, nobody knows. Yes, I know this english proverbs: The more I delay changing, it's like wasting alot of my time not to change. " I knew & understand the meaning but Y I couldn't have that Yes I want to change attitude?? Y?? What exactly is the things that I lack of?? I couldn't figure it out. U know what? Since I have this mindset right, I feel like not doing anything nor that motivation to change it.

Well, maybe I really need to do something about it but wat if halfway ii stop or procrasinated??  A proverbs also saying: "It's takes 3 days to turn bad but 3 years to be good." Since bad are so easily y must make ourself difficult to be good?? And even good in the end we become bad again. D imperfection in us seems so strong that it's sO hard to get rid. Tell me? Anyway at the end of d day, I know I shouldd keep asking myself: Wat kind of person I want to be??

Another thing, never guess what am I thinking neither ask me to give a reason. I hate it!!! I have my reason hating it. Cause I also have my personal privacy & reason doing so. I'm not selfish tat don't want to share but is d hurts & problems are too heavy to bear. I can only say this is really very hard to overcome & I believed no one in d world will give a defined answer. It can only help to feel better but nobody can really do it including myself. Want to know what is it about?!! Haha, this will be my secret & it will hide within myself till I can one day get rid of it. Anyway if really want to talk about it, will be complicated & no ending.