You made my feeling go back to u...

Bloggy, here ii wanna share something with u. Hmmm ii dunno why my feeling go back to him. Actually before my ex-boyfriend, ii liked him but because in the end ii choose my ex-boyfriend so we actually ended up normal friend & seldom communicate. Well, ii should put it in a way to say we're just normal friend but ii enjoyed being with him, bickering with him & communicate with him.

Although I dun really know him well and less outing with him or with a group of friends but ii feel comfortable with him. Sometimes ii emoing, he will do something to cheer me up or stay silently with me. He change quite alot for now which ii like him more. In the past avtually ii feel something for him but ii dared not say and ii asked myself these question before:
*Why ii like him?
*What makes me fall for him?
*Am ii really like him or just a crush?
After liking him, can ii accept his weakness as well?
I already can accept his weakness but still in d end ii choosed my ex-boyfriend. Reason ii think because we both did not express out or fear being rejected.

Actually ii feel nothing towards him cOs ii still loved my ex-boyfriend but the process when we both together, my feeling goes back to him again. We had less memories together but watever it happened, ii dunno y ii can remember clearly.
Eg: Sharing of umbrella; whenever we go home together after school; when ii heart-brokened he cheered me up; he asked me to accompanied him buy things for his sister. As for now which happened just yesterday...
Eg: He accompained me sent a friend to bus-stopmaybe he's worried as I'm a lady, he helped me take meat ball as ii complained ii never ate d meatball at all & late midnight he sent me home. I like this kind of feeling which is sooo sweet, haha.

Well, ii just wanna express it out ii like him but ii wont go together with him Reason there will be alot but of the d main reason, he's too good, ii don think I'm good enough for him & other worries as well. Haix.. .. But still enjoyed being with him.

Here is some words just wanna let him know & expressing, ii might not always be good sometimes ii just put on a front. I wanna confessed to him but I'm afraid how he look & think of me. If he really like me, hope he can accept my past, now & future. Also, I'm might not be a good girlfriend but ii will try my very best to understand him, giving him support and other etc. So actually ii dunno how he feel towards me but ii like him haha! Hopefully we can stay our friendship like this always! *wiNk**

Am ii right to set my expectation high or ii should just let it be natural??

Hai yo ii left my iphone at my Boutique, see how forgetful ii am! Lol. I think tml batt will flat, haha. B-)

Haix.. Recently just finished my Role-Play and ii going to hang up my BEV Assignment soon, left only CPA Assignment & CMB Assignment. "Jia you jia you!" Hmmmm actually ii feel tat my Role-play ii don think ii did well enough. 1st of all, last mins then ii know teacher wants bad services to good services.. If ii know, I'm suRe my script can do much more better & ii can act very well as well but too bad it's already over. I thought of re-do but I'm afraid my partner will disagree. Well, ii think next time ii know wat to do already & somehow ... ... ... HAHA, prepare if I'm going to be serious. If I going to be serious ii gonna set my expectation high, if not let natural take it courses. I can say if ii set my expectation high, ii will be another person & although more work but ii willing to give my best shot. So should ii set my expectation high or let it be natural?? Actually meaning of let it natural doesn't mean ii don't work hard is just that I'm not that competitive. So?? ...

Stupid Idiot mentioned if he bring laptop ii be his girlfriend, haha ii told him ii think ii have to consider. Hmmm should ii or shouldn't ii?? Lol. Really idiot lor, exchange condition with me. Clever! But ... ... Actually ii now feeling confused cOs ii tot need not bother or everything's alr in d past and ii wanna start anew but... ... ... Dunno eh, ii just hope as wat my supervisor help me see my fortune. Haha! B-) Ok la, today quite a nice day & hav his accompany. Lol.

Things keep bothering mE..

I can't sleep every night & ii dislike Night time. It makes me emotional everytime, when could ii stop?!! It's fraustrating!! During day time ii would make myself busy just hope tat night ii could sleep but useless. I would sleep or feel tired when ii really really lack of sleep or too many things to do lol.

There's sO much ii unhappy with & bothering me such as School Stuffs (Assignments, CA's, CCA & Exam), Working so to support myself financially. I have to worry & scared tat I'm unable to cope how & Next Month onwards my ITE move to Chua Chu Kang, sO far from my home. Wahhhh, have to wake up very early & my life will be totally dullness. *Sad** :( No more entertainment for me le & less time spent wif my friends, haix..

P.S: "Sorry to all dear friends but hope can stay contact as well. Do update mE u guys wat's u guys doing & if anything, do giv me a ring or msg. Go out have to inform me earlier so ii can make plans."

Most sadness things also will be if ii need help, who will be there for me?? If ii need a shoulder to cry, who will lend it to me?? If ii was to fall, who will lift me up?? I dare not hope for a relationship cOs I'm afraid of being hurt again & no confidence as well. I need a guardian angel who will understand wat am ii thinking, be there for me, as well as know how ii feel & what ii want. But ii think it won't happen to me. Although ii do hope for LOVE but I'm afraid as well. I feel so empty but ii do not wish to turn to anyone.

I know it's useless to dwell or think too much for the past for it's over and future for it yet to come but ii just caN't help it. I even thinking how could ii earn more money so ii can spend more instead of wanting to buy but consider & buy less. Haix. Proberly next year GST is increase again, up to 10%. Expenses is more. Wahh... Life is more stressful than ever before & if don work hard, haha can imagine d outcome.

Maybe it's time to let go..

After yesterday having time with someone, ii think finally ii have come to senses. It might be hurt to me but ii do really see the reality. Every relationship is sweet at first but it would be very unpleasant eventually & worst if either u still have feeling 4 him or still hold a place in your heart seeing him with another girl.

I strongly believe each one of us will get our happiness one day bt how and where is everyone searching for. If a person without relationship, isn't it very pathetic?? But ii don mean relationship is very important depends on individual.

I not sure do ii still have feeling for him bt clearly ii know there's a small part of my heart, he still hold a place. Actually I'm silently waiting for him & always believe he still have feeling for me but after yesterday, I know I'm being foolish & wake up senses. Finally, he go through wat ii had go through, hope he can understand tat kind of feeling & ii can say it is not pleasant. Well, I'm happy for him tat he had knew that what's the right girl he's looking for . Although it's still abit hurt but isn't if he's happy, u are happy too??

What make me come to senses is after yesterday he told me his incident which ii find no point holding on or worth it. If continue liking him is just a torture for me. Maybe we are not meant to be so y not putting down is the best solution & ii will wait patiently for my next relationship.

We were once so in love & finally we end it nicely as a friend & maybe friends like buddy, lol. One thing ii believe no one can replace it is, ii was once love him more than anyone else do & understand him more than anyone else do. Haha!

By the way, there's one thing ii would like to add on. There were once ii post a meaningful quote which actually meant for this guy friend of mine & if he still can't get it, 4get it.

Y am ii like this??..

I hate myself ever since ii re-open school. I feel myself being useless, lack of motivation & not open up.Everything ii do just feel useless.

Well, the reasons I/m being like this ii don denied I/m lazy, dwelling the past, lost my spiritual food & not certain about the future. Actually there's so much ii want to do bt ii just caN't do it.

Actually d main things ii want is need ppl encourage, motivate me & challenge me so can push me. I dont ask doesn't mean ii don need. I'm not good at expressing so mostly ii kept it silent. No one in d world understand me & know wat ii thinking. Who will be there 4 me when ii need some1?? I think just leave me in lurch & let me die ba. I lost all my motivation, direction & sprit. Not knowing what ii want is suffering & indeed. Tat's how ii feel & ii feel like dying.

CH was right, ii caNt put down & what d fucking hell am ii holding to it?!! Yes, ii missed all d past memories & ii don denied ii wan to go back to d past. But is it possible?? I think I'm now very stupid 4 thinking this way.

I look at other couple, ii don understand y ii can't be like them?? I look at my friends & observe the way they behave, their mentality y ii can't be like them?? U may say I'm comparing bt it's true ii don feel myself are good enough.

The guys ii like, they have the potential & very good, ii feel ii not good enough 4 them & they deserve a better gal rather a gal like me. Tat's how ii feel bt nothing ii can do.

Can ii really enter into Poly?? Can ii go through these 2 years in Higher Nitec?? Can ii cope with Studies & Work together?? Can ii become a better person?? Can ii have my motivation & direction back?? Can I find my Mr. Right / True love soon?? All d doubts ii have, can ii do it??

I wanna give up le, and y?? I dare not ask doesn't mean ii don need bt if ii really do, how many respond can ii get?? I also wanna become a person which is giving than receiving bt ii don know how. Can anyone guide me??

I really need a person who will always be there 4 me as well as ii wanna be independent. Actually from bottom of my heart ii feel empty. Really really empty. Thought of seeing physiologist or undergoing counseling. Haix, what should ii do?? I dislike myself now..